F*CK MEDITATION (no, not really)

Raise your hand if you know you should meditate but you hate it. As a child, my parents took me with them to see their guru. I believed that there must be something to it because both of my parents and all of their friends believed in it so strongly. I started attending satsung by choice and went all the way through the process and learned the techniques of meditation. 

I would sit and try and try and try to practice the techniques, to focus on my breathing and not my thoughts, and to experience the inner peace that I had heard so much about.....and nothing would happen. I would get fidgety and antcy and restless and then I would feel like a failure for not being able to meditate and then I would quit.

I had tried to love yoga many times and always left with the same frustration: this is too slow, this is pointless, this hurts, this is boring, I can't sit still, I have to get out of here immediately. When I was pregnant with my first son, I thought that I could try it again and maybe I would have slowed down enough to be able to enjoy it. And I did start to get a glimpse of that elusive inner peace that I so badly desired. But as soon as I had my boy, I never did slow down enough to experience that peace again.

Fast forward to my 40s and I started following Tony Robbins, a Strategic Intervention Life Coach. I did three live seminars with him which was basically boot camp for your soul. Tear you down deeply and build you back up. We did a lot of meditation and I HATED IT! Once again, I thought: What is so wrong with me that everyone else can get into this but not me? I was determined to achieve success with meditation so I created my own morning ritual. I would focus on my breathing, then think of all that I am grateful for, and then set my intentions for the day and that stuck for a couple years. It took me about 10 minutes, but I've learned that achieving inner peace takes longer than 10 minutes per session. Also, I started to dread that too so I stopped doing it.

Recently, I've had some bouts with anxiety that lasted for days sometimes so I ramped up my efforts to achieve some of that inner peace again. I hired a new coach, I got a creative accountability partner, I went back to my trauma therapist and THEY ALL SAID THE SAME THING. You need to MEDITATE! UGGGHHHHH!!

Well really, they all said, you need to love and accept your whole self or else you'll be looking for external validation and getting triggered by what other people say to you and the way you do this is through meditation. So I got in the bath tub with some candlelight and I played some guided meditation and I HATED IT! Why do people who lead guided meditation have such high airy voices?? I could almost smell the Nag Champa through the phone!

So I decided not to listen to guided meditation and just sit my ass down for at least 15 minutes and do this: Check in with my whole body and consciously relax every part. Then pay attention to my breathing. Just that. No in out messages or holding breaths, etc. And then start a conversation with God or my deepest most wisest self. When I ask myself questions, the answers come immediately. And in this way, I have gotten to that place where I feel at peace with myself.

I've learned that you can access that river from the back door so to speak. Don't try so hard and don't beat yourself up for not being zen enough. Just go sit and breathe. Connect with me if you like <3