The Abyss

If you're feeling on top of the world and able to identify triggers and projection and not internalize other people's shit, don't read this. If you sometimes feel like you're standing on the edge of an abyss and you're not sure if you're being rational or crazy and your demons and fear are calling to you and you're about to fall into the pit, read this.

Believe me, I try my best to learn as I go, to correct my mistakes, to evolve, to be self aware, to be courageous with my own shit, but try as hard as I can, I find myself in the same patterns. Clearly, the universe is teaching me a lesson. If only it were a little clearer. I'll deal with it, I'll do the work if I just knew what it was that needed getting done.

So let me give you some specifics of my latest teetering on the edge of the abyss. I recognize when someone I'm with gets triggered. By getting triggered, I mean when someone reacts to me in a way that is extreme relative to the reality of the situation. For example, let's say that I feel insecure and I express that and someone shuts down emotionally and says maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. 

In that moment, it's almost like I can see the situation from above. There's a voice very clearly saying that things are escalating and spiraling and that I can't own that. So then I get very calm and talk to myself. This takes skill because in that moment, I'm standing right there on the edge. You see, I have my own demons. Sometimes, I internalize other's projections and then I beat myself up for saying the wrong thing. I feel bad about myself if someone is unhappy with me. Then I get scared that I'm going to lose them. Then I scramble for purchase. It feels like my insides are twisted and bound and heavy and painful. I could easily escalate and spiral myself.

So I practice self regulation. I see clearly what's happening. I know what pattern I'm being cast in and I don't buy it. I de-escalate the situation and THEN I'm left with this. What the serious fuck can we do about our demons??? I've already done all the wrong things: take it personally, allow it to define me and rob my energy from the rest of my life, try to coax them into getting help, trying to fix them myself.....so I don't do that anymore. What CAN I do?

Love unconditionally. Bless and release. Take care of your soul energy. Speak truth to bullshit. That's all I've got. 

If someone is determined to cast you in their play and act out their patterns and fears and you've done your part- see it, love, release, care for you, you simply let them go and forgive yourself for being human and know that it's ok and then you talk to your best friend and cry and write a lot...

Demons are dark, deep, and real and we all have them. Working with them is the biggest skill we develop and the hardest lesson we learn. 

I'm here if you need support.